a fun day and a clouded mind

it's been a very fun day today in the ask.fm land. This morning I asked 50 of my following list this question:

"do you look up (or relate) to a fictional character? if so, who are they and why? (feel free to add more than one character!)‎ "

and I'm pretty much amused by their answers. See, I always believe that our personality is shaped by those things we watched and we read since the time we're smart enough to understand, so I’m pretty sure that this question would excite them. And boy was I right. *smugs at self* :P

Me myself, I listed Hermione Granger as that character I look up to, and Toru Watanabe (Norwegian Wood) and Holden Caulfield (The Catcher in the Rye) as two of many characters that I can relate to. It’s such a fun question even for me!

I wish I could get paid from asking people like this. I’ve always loved observing people; to unravel what’s going on their mind and to guess what’s their reason behind their choices in life… it’s an interesting subject to study on, and these days are the days that I feel like I’ve been taking a wrong turn in choosing my college major. *sighs*

See, I’ve always been so sure and passionate about being in International Relations. I enjoyed these past 3.5 years with my campus; the studies, the lecturers, and mostly the people I surround myself with. But faced with this dreading thesis, it feels like everything I learned these past 3.5 years have vanished into nothing. I can’t seem to find that smartness that I used to have and rely on for the past 3.5 years. It’s like I’m shoved and forced into doing something with a blind fold covering my eyes, and it’s excruciating. I want it to end, but I don’t even have any guts or enough bravery to start working on it.

Basically, I’m fucked up.

Oh well, as long as it’s not in a literal meaning, then I guess I can manage. :D

But yeah, I feel like a coward all over again, like the old me on senior year, whereas I chose to escape everything instead of facing them and kick their ass. It was a stupid mistake and I’m not proud of it, but right now I’m unconsciously repeating the cycle and it’s scaring the guts out of me. The constant pressure to graduate by the end of the year, the pressure to prepare to take my Masters degree… it all seems too much and they’re coming all at once. I’m losing my grip, and this time I know I can’t rely on my parents to try and help me solve this freaking issue. I have to work on this myself.

Oh wow, this has turned into a very angsty blog post now, hasn’t it?

Sorry for the gloom. Yeah I know, I’m not Eeyore. I’m not allowed to do that.

So I think that would be all from me today, will try to keep up with the posting rhythm.

Good night and take care, wherever you are!