The Worst Kind of Break-Up is The One Happened with Your Bestfriend

Hi.
I don't know if this was going to be an open-for-public kind of letter or simply just a plain, random rant, but these days haven't been easy on me although it might seem so.


I want to tell you
about how my eyesight got worse
and my trip to the optic makes me more worried of going blind
I know you'd probably just shrug it off saying I didn't make sense
and come to think of it, you'd be right. Again.
I never made any sense.

I want to show you this awesome video that I accidentally saw last night
and spending a few minutes gushing over how nice it is
I know you'd probably just reply with a hum
or an insignificant word
but as always, I'll be content with any kind of reply.

I want to tell you
about my new favorite song
or how I didn't sleep at all last night
because I was too busy thinking back and forth
about going back to the familiarity that involves silent car rides and foreign songs that I'm not familiar with

I want to tell you that I woke up too early last Saturday
and the first thing I heard was your favorite song
because apparently it was my sister's favorite as well


I want to say I'm sorry that this poem sucks like hell
because I've never wanted to make it beautiful
the only thing I wanted was to be honest
because they said honesty is the best policy
but right now it suffocates me instead 



So that's pretty much it.
It sucks, and if you happened to read it you'd probably going to laugh your ass off over that -whatever that is- that I wrote. That's fine, go ahead. At this rate I would take people laughing at me for being honest instead of being admired for lying.

...which is funny, because you see, for the past few weeks, I've been honest to everyone else but you.
I lied to you that morning when I sent you that message - to which you replied so sweetly that it clenched my heart.
I told you I need a time out. From people.
What I didn't tell you was I need a time out from you.
Because everything starts to suffocate me.
Because suddenly you're overwhelming - and everything you said becomes overwhelming as well.

I'm tired. I'm tired of letting my world revolves around you - because that was never my plan. I never intended to have my world revolves around anyone - not even myself. But all these years, all I did was the opposite.
I'm tired of caring too much about your well-being, that I often forget to care about mine.
I'm tired of being worried; of wanting to take care of you all the time because I know I can't cross that line.
I'm tired of pretending that we're okay, because we're not.
You are, but I'm not.

It's only been 9 days and I already feel like shit.
Compared to the -almost- 6 years we've spent together being friends, 9 days are just baby steps.

I don't know if I will ever get through everything without talking to you, but I have to.
You wreck me, over and over again, and it will take a long time to fix me up.
So for the meantime, I'm just doing myself a bigger favor than yours:
I'm staying away from the hammer.

So tell me,
does it feel like a goodbye to you?
Because to me, it does.
That's why I told you those things in my message. Because I don't know if I'll be able to say it again in the near future.

Someday I'll genuinely say hi again to you, with a big grin plastered on my face and with no butterflies in my tummy.

Until then, please take care.